How Not to Write a Classic

There were lot of unworthy hits in the 80s. I’ve always felt that a contender for the world’s worst-written song was a 1982 ballad called Classic by Adrian Gurvitz. It was somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophesy that this plodding mournful love song became, if not a classic, certainly a worldwide hit.

The amazing thing that I discovered recently was that Adrian’s first top 10 hit was actually in 1968, a ball-tearing guitar driven rocker called Race with the Devil. At this time he went by the name Adrian Curtis and with his brother formed a band in London called Gun.  Their LP came into my possession recently and I could not believe it was the same guy who wrote Classic.

So what was going through Adrian Gurvitz’s head fourteen years later, obviously desperate to write another big hit? Well his starting point was obvious.

Got to write a classic

 

‘Let’s see… what rhymes with classic? I’ll look up my rhyming dictionary…  Antic, Arctic, Arsenic, Aspic, Attic…  that’ll do. ‘

Got to write a classic

Got to write it in an attic

Babe, I’m an addict…. now

An addict for your love

 

Is that really the best he could do? If you’re going to write a classic, you’ve got to work a bit harder than that. According to my rhyming dictionary there are 220 words that rhyme with ‘classic’ – ‘addict’ isn’t even one of them.  Airsick is first on my list.

Got to write a classic

I feel a little airsick

Maybe I’m just lovesick… now

Phobic for your love

 

There we go. That’s going somewhere. If we go beyond ‘A’ in the rhyming dictionary, there are so many more creative words than ‘attic’ and ‘addict’: beatnik, dipstick, dropkick, heimlich, lipstick …

Got to write a classic

I’ll write it with my lipstick

I’m feeling like a dipstick… now

A dropkick for your love

 

Mmm. Keep trying, a classic isn’t written without a few discarded drafts.

Got to write a classic

Gonna need a gimmick

Maybe make it comic… al

Or a tragic tale of love

 

What about an X rated version? Pelvic, Pubic, Phallic. Maybe not – poor taste. Cryptic lyrics are always good.

Got to write a classic

Anagram of ass licc

Tricky like a rubic… cube

I’m cryptic for your love

 

This is getting a bit out of hand.  Let’s go back to square one. The man wants to write a classic. Let’s continue down that path.

Got to write a classic

Best song in the history of music

Bigger than Jurassic… Park

Best lyric of all time

 

Now there’s a classic. Stick that in your attic!